*sigh*... a short note

There are just not enough men who are 'men' around.

As a matter of fact, I think my gay friends are much more 'man' than most so called man I know.

By the by, if you want to be a 'man' and want to ask a real 'woman' out, a conversation based on what the woman is going to wear during a date and what kind of underwear she has on is NOT appropriate topic for conversation.

Unless you want the woman to think that you are a dickhead.

"You should be taking before and after pictures"

Yeah... like hell I would.

I was talking to Tyler, one of the sweetest guy who I got to know through a friend who is now in New York. He made it a point to touch base with me at least once every two weeks, a gesture which I appreciate deeply.

It was about 2pm EST (That's 2 am our time) on July 3rd and so, I guess, even if I was slurring... my brain worked just fine because I woke up with full accounts of what we talked about.

We talked about the latest development in our very insignificant lives. About me transforming to a gym junkie and about his job, adventures and misadventures in NY.

He came from DC and he prefers DC, but he said, aside from the really ridiculously high cost of living in NY, guess it wasn't that bad.

He is positively the only white guy who loves all the Malaysian spicy food. The last time we had Banana leaf rice lunch over at Nirwana in Bangsar, he was enjoying it much more than I did. He was literally crying his eyes out.

He also loves Asam Pedas, Sambal Belacan and all kinds of curries.

The hotter the better.

"I am getting skinnier." I slurred... well... I think I slurred.

"I don't think you need to get anymore skinnier but ok."

"No Tyler.... I am getting skinnier. I love it."

"What's your ideal weight?"

"50 frikkin' 2. According to my BMI. As you know, I am short... and extremely wide."

"You are short compared to an American... yes... but you are not wide - lah."

Yes... the white guy ended his sentences with a very typical '-Lah!'.

"Shut up lah!"

"You should be taking a before and after picture." He said before chuckling.

My American friends (Bless them! Afterall, their country is in pretty bad shape... Obama my other boyfriend is doing all he can and it is not entirely their fault that the previous idiot of a president mess a lot of things right?) always thought that I am skinny. One friend even cooked me collard greens, which is my favorite, just because she thought I should eat more.

Hee... like hell no. Asian wise, I am overweight. My butt is the size of a small country named Sarcloveria and have roughly a population of maybe 500 Sarcloverians. I am the Queen... No king to rule my ass of yet.

*Sigh*... I miss Tyler.

Anyway... on Independence long weekend, I actually slept the rest of my Fridays off, went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday and right now I am spending my free time updating ths blog in Starbucks. I feel like I want to pee... I think it's the exercise and the fact that I downed gallons of water during my workout and, one glass of Iced lemon tea and a Tall low fat latte.

Too much liquid for my 'made in China' bladder.

I am also thinking about what to make for dinner. I have chicken fillets and vermicelli... hmmm... I think I will make vermicelli cooked with brown sauce... that means I need shitake mushrooms, which kind of tastes like petai... no?

My take on stuff

I was supposed to be on a vacation. Well... I am supposed to be on one. I was supposed to drive to JB and stop at a beach so that I can sit on my beach towel on the sand, with a good book and posibbly a great alcoholic beverage.

Well, all that is screwed by my lack of organization skills for my personal plans. I promised my friends that I will be around on the weekend to attend their house party because they were complaining that I was never around when they planned one. I was around, just that, I was not at the party because I was sleeping around the time I was supposed to be at the party. I was sleeping at 7 PM.

Of course, before that, I was shopping at One U with KTB, Joyce and her husband. The night before I was in Zeta Bar with Amy.

The Zeta Bar thing was another disaster. I am bad at socializing when it will not yield any kind of work related 'benefits'.

When I was in PR, somehow my mingling skills came naturally. I was able to talk, I was able to get to know people, I was able to be their friend during the party.

When I quit PR, I just don't see a reason for me to be all that. Every so often, people would describe me as the arrogant bitch. Can't blame them, I am perfectly good on my own, checking other people out.

Checking out clubbers put a smile on my face. They are just so... happy, and intoxicated. Everything that I am not.

The fact that I AM fuckable still stands. When I said fuckable, that means, other than being good at my work etc, I am a defected product when it comes to being someone's soulmate because the only one person I know who is able to be my soulmate is myself. I made a mistake of letting someone else other than the person who picked me up to drive me home. We ended up at his apartment and he ended up wanting to bed me, but I refused and told him that;

"I don't do flings. Even if I do want one, I am totally not interested in having one with you. I need to go home. Either you drive me home or you call me a cab, because I was under the impression that you were going to meet up with the others for food."

That said, I don't think men would ever look at me as anything else but fuckable. I am not a wife material or anything like that... I am fine with that...

Anyway.

A new friend, Dilesh, noticed that I have been looking at a dude intensely. He came over to me and asked me if I liked him. I nodded.

"Okay, I go and bring him over."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I was hyperventilating.

"No."

'Oh Shit...'

He went over to the guy, my object of affection at that point of time and then walked back with him towards me.

'Okay... Shit!'

He was smooth, in a drunken bugger kind of way. He is gorgeous, that's all that I can credit him with, actually. Needless to say, I lost interest even though we did exchange numbers. And apparently, he is not really into me also, so... no biggie there.

I also went out with Sue. We went to The Daily Grind and had burgers. I had the sinfully tasty Lambugherni and my favorite home made root beer. That's 4 hours of cardio but it's worth every cholesterol laden bits!!!

She is in love, I think. I am happy for her of course. I think it's time us women of character to be happy and to know that our happiness have nothing to do with purchases of any over priced heels or gadgets.

I have yet to get to that stage, but I am happy for her.

Me on the other hand, was absolutely ecstatic over my newly bought bras and panties from La Senza. Those are my little pleasures in life.

My personal trainer was great. During stretching, where my PT was stretching my very strained limbs, I was thinking how would my PT be in bed with the girlfriend (Or boyfriend... I wouldn't know). I am just sick like that. I like the way he pulled my joints. It felt strangely ... euphoric.. heh.

Which kind of reminds me that I am supposed to get a glove for my weights training.

Me.. now

I have a new routine.

I go to the gym 6 days in a week, spend about 2 hours sweating myself silly (At the same time of course, 'cuci mata' checking out the gorgeous gay guys with hot bods).

I am a gym junkie. I love the adrenaline rush I get when I work out.

And I have a gorgeous gay gym buddy. Kish The Bitch (Else known as KTB) is getting all the attention from the guys.

Akak? what to do, saham dah jatuh.

Nevertheless, I am happy. I enjoy the daily workouts. I especially love the yoga classes, despite not able to do the moves anymore as it has been a while since I last practiced the moves. My limbs are rusty and my flexibility is at nil right now.

Me and KTB set a goal to lose weight, tone whatever body parts that we want to tone and to try all of the group exercise classes available. I feel more healthy, I sleep better and I feel like for once I actually have a purpose.

I also have engaged the service of a personal trainer. I am going to be a hot bod independent babe. I have no remorse paying 2Gs for that, because already I can see the difference. My biceps are firmer, my butt, nicer and my upper abdominals, harder.

Now I will just have to work on losing this 'woman pouch'. I was told that all women have a bit of a pooch, although I have to admit I am still looking for one on Giselle Bundchen.

But again, Giselle Bundchen is not human. She could be an extra terrestrial, one that says 'ET likes diamante bras'.

Oh well, I lost close to 6 Kilos since I joined and by Raya this year, I aim to be a hotter chick with a killer bod.

That's a plan kan?

As I sit here with my chicken fingers sandwiches...

I think it might have something to do with age...

And believe it or not, you can even say that I am maybe 'bitter' in these things.

I entered my 30th year quietly... well maybe, aside from the fact that I was constantly badgered by my boss who is in based in NY with "When you turn 30" jokes and whatnots, it went by quietly.

I got drunk on a bottle of Bacardi and champagne, oh well... my drinking capacity went kind of... mockable... but who the fuck cares right?

I found out that I am either too fat for fellow Malaysian men or too skinny for other men of other nationalities... along with all the other factors that may have contributed to my singlehood eg: character, independence, insensitivity, aggressiveness, etc.

Well what I am meaning to say is that, is it me, or just my age that makes me cringe at a couple in love? I cringe at almost everything, couples talking to each other holding hands, couples wearing same colored T-shirts, couples making out in cars (In front of IKEA, which was totally weird... this was confirmed by my tudung wearing sister who said; "Just get a room already - lah." This coming from her was kind of.. well... cool).

I am a cringer, I am a bitter cringer... shoot me already.

My friends came up with this theory that it just kind of comes with this whole 'I don't need a man' vibe that I have been giving out recently.

It is unintentional, I mean, deep inside, I would love to be someone's happiness, someone's dread, someone's kind of important agenda.

For now... I am a bitter cringer, who thinks working out is the single most important thing aside from work. I am going to be a bitter cringer with a better body.

Heh...

Ish

OK... So something struck me while I was checking my emails... all of the sudden I have something to write about... hahhahaaa

I think it is really funny when an ex tells me that they want to keep in touch with me when I know that that might be the last thing that they want.

I mean, if you really want to keep in touch, then you would not keep me from knowing that you actually got married innit?

cakap tak serupa bikin betul...

It doesn't matter anyway because I have decided to not be in contact with anyone who was a part of my past. So...

I discovered that I can have amazing will power. I can do anything if I am to put my mind to it (I know it is fucking cliched but you know what... who the fuck cares anyway... and yes... I am saying fuck like every 1 minute... I can say it more often if the occasion calls for it.)

Oh well... farewell Knuckas! --> my exes that is.

Ye-lah

Oklah... So I am back.

Updates are not gonna be that regular though.

I might be back but my blogging psyche is still in the middle of updating....

Like this kaspersky virus thingie that I just bought...